Demonic Teddy Bears Take Over Samaritan House
Teddy bears are cute little things. They come in many colors and shapes and sizes. They are innocent, inanimate creatures that wouldn’t harm a fly even if they were alive. But for some reason, whenever residents at the Catholic Charities’ shelter come in contact with these plush toy animals, they act strangely.
Those red beady eyes emanate into the corridors of the shelter, beckoning and pleading for anyone to do their bidding. In mid-August, an older female resident took a weathered teddy bear to the women’s locker and she heard the Napoleon-complex security guard shout: “Hold on! Let go of the teddy bear and drop to the ground! It is not your property.”
Turns out one of her bunkmates had asked her to pick it up for her. But Samaritan House has a “Zero Tolerance” policy on touching or cuddling up to property that is not yours. This poor soul was an emotional wreck because she meant no harm as her makeup dripped down her clown face. She was discharged for a week. She filed an appeal and won the right to return.
The teddy bear smiled to itself. While the majority of residents sleep at 2 a.m., it wanders the halls of the men’s and women’s dorm – hoping to find another resident to taunt.
A few weeks ago, a similar event occurred. One of the Hispanic residents with thinning hair volunteered to unload a donation truck. In one of the boxes was an evil black teddy bear with gleaming red eyes.
“Give me away,” it said with seething teeth. “Give me away.”
Another female resident joined the effort and helped unload the truck. The intensity of his eyes grew ever-so-slightly; he hid the teddy bear under his coat; and presented it to the pretty short blonde female—in proposal swoon.
She was mesmerized by the gift, but forgot the Zero Tolerance Rule #4 – Theft of any property belonging to other residents or to Samaritan House is forbidden.
When it was discovered that she had committed the Unpardonable Sin (God forbid), she was handed her walking papers and started to cry incessantly.
It’s ok to stockpile as many books (many rare old titles) from the shelter’s many bookshelves and boxes to read or to sell, but touch one lonely teddy bear and the world comes to an end.
Well, she won her appeal and she will be reunited with her circle of friends very soon, as soon as a bed is available. The bewildered-and-confused Latino was not so lucky and he is living on the streets once again.
Somewhere in the dark corners of Samaritan House, a group of teddy bears – congregating in the donation bin, crawling around in the air ducts, or planning an ambush in the chapel – await their next move. They want to convert as many human beings to their side by Dec. 13, 2013.
Get your stakes. Get your crosses. Get your holy water.
These bandits are the new boogieman and they aren’t going away any time soon.
